That Floating Poo Was Way Too Symbolic! These Are the Television Disappointments of the Year.
As we consider the TV offerings of the past year, a handful of series emerge not for their excellence, but for their notable failures. Ranging from awkward spin-offs to bafflingly poor docuseries, here are the programmes that had us scratching our heads or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
How to start with this divisive follow-up? Burdened with dreadful writing, painful character development (justice for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the show fought to find its footing. Briefly, as the third season began, it seemed as if it had at last hit its stride. Then came an episode all about Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the creator announced this would be the last series. It concluded on a low point; the closeup of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was just way too on-the-nose. Yet, fans certainly found joy dissecting every single “wtf?” moment. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – twirled around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t release a little sob?
All’s Fair
‘Is Kim Kardashian an actress? Of course she can’t.’
But that was practically the smallest of this drama's issues. The subject of a exceedingly uncommon zero star assessment, it was hard to know where to start listing the flaws. The laughably leaden writing? The mind-numbing glorification of wealth and consumption? The seemingly wilful procession of cliches? Acting so bad they felt borderline spiteful? Let’s just say “all of the above” and forget about this series again. Except, a new season has been ordered, so we’re likely going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Considering the legal troubles, domestic violence allegations and parental failures, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not you’d truly have gleaned it from this three-part docuseries which smirked its way at Sheen’s various episodes of reckless hedonism while failing to tell us anything we didn’t already know. Rather, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any sympathy this show might evoke should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer proximity with this charismatic but dismissive egotist.
The Iris Affair
Naturally we knew it was ridiculous from the get-go: a thriller about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or destroy all of humanity. We persevered out of pure love for its leads … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One barely cared when his character died, and the other ended up hacking Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. Talk about admitting defeat.
MobLand
Shady figures meeting in empty boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its gangland drama back.
In truth, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a bit dated now, but at least they didn’t endure the ignominy of having to indulge baffling dialects. But there were plenty of other problems. Mainly that it was just profoundly boring; a conflict over narcotics territory between various cockney picaresques which seemed a bit basic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Given the extent to which she grinds the gears of the nation’s ostentatiously enraged commentators, it’s almost tempting to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s various ventures into quaint homemaking as intentional provocations. But then you view them and are forced to admit that in this case, they may have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle magazine come to life; a poster for wine o’clock with delusions of grandeur; a parade of sleeping dogs, buzzing beehives, sentimental platitudes and pointless crafting “tips” you’ll not remember instantly. All supported by vast, mostly unearned wealth. Ugh.
Victoria Beckham
There are obviously fascinating things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her struggles with vocation, self-image, self-worth. But for some reason, this documentary series opted not to explore them. Rather, the experience was akin to consuming a marketing brochure. She clearly has every right to bridle at what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But sadly, she failed to do herself any helps with this cagey non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It should have been the next cultural phenomenon – except even camper, with a famous star as a deceased benefactor and a sharp-tongued personality overseeing her inheritance. What more could you ask for? As contestants battled it out, there was plenty of betrayal and squabbling. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s still too confusing to detail what exactly was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw brief appearances of the star via filmed videos. The show ended up smelling of a production that was trying way too hard to live up to something far greater than it.
Too Much
How does one follow a show that defined a generation? The pressure was immense for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a broken heart. The lead actress seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, embodying Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very slick and, ironically, was not enough. Plus, the sheer amount of famous cameos involved felt uncomfortable.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not even good enough to be ‘uneven’.
Given the shrewd inclusion of gifted younger comics, hopes were high. But unhappily, most of it didn’t land. A recurring sketch was a single joke milked to a dry pulp but repeated in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a familiar irate mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, in contrast, simply inspired the idea that they should probably have remained in there a while longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively showcased the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The subject matter needed to be handled sensitively. Instead, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right tone, lumbering from strangely breezy, somewhat mannered farce to ultimately, real-life horror. Twisted? Perhaps. A total mess? Absolutely.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We admire the lead actor … but did we believe him playing the most brilliant maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a discovery that could ruin society? No! This international thriller about secret services targeting – and killing off – academics honestly got more absurd by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This uncritical portrait followed the online personality notorious for explicit exploits as she undertook her biggest challenge yet. What on earth would possess her? What we craved was far greater interrogation of her true psychology, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have spoken to the now-famous mum who showed up to haul her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific imagery and absolutely no interrogation of her notoriety whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a young daughter too.